Worthlessness and Worth

I deleted social media. Months and months ago. Perhaps others don't judge me as harshly as I judge myself, but I cannot seem to keep myself from envy, jealousy, coveting. Everyone is so busy. Everyone is so accomplished. So many things to show for themselves, so much going on. So many gifts that God gave them, they're all so special. Name a person and I could name why they're special. My life isn't like that. My gifts aren't like that. I'm not busy or accomplished. I don't have anything to show for myself and I don't have a lot going on. I can't keep up with anyone in America or even here in Taiwan. I fall short in every comparison. My life is very small and insignificant. Worthlessness looms large.

Although I try to fight it I start to believe that if I could be like them, then I would be happy. People would like me if I was accomplished, if I had things to show for myself, if I had their gifts. What even are my gifts? I can't see them.

Ever since I was little I've struggled with comparison. I remember being in first grade looking in jealousy at my friend Krissy's freckle-free face. "If only I had pretty smooth skin like her..." then I'd be pretty, okay, acceptable, commendable, worthwhile. Then people would like me. "If only I was extroverted...If only I could communicate better...If only I had their gifts..."  I've always been insecure, just always. Is everyone else so pleased with themselves as it appears?

But I want to give it up. I want to stop trying to measure up. I want to quit wishing I was someone else so I could be acceptable. But I've tried before. Many, many times. I keep falling for the same dumb lies. I am hopelessly broken, an eternal failure. I can't overcome.

But He is the overcomer, not me. I am the failure, He is the victor. I am a mess, but He loves me anyway. He loves me for who I am right now, not who I hope I will be at some distant point in the future when I overcome all of my weaknesses. He loves me for me right now, not who I will be in eternity when I don't have weaknesses anymore any everyone loves me. And He doesn't just love me b/c He is love and He can't help it. No, He loves me for ME. He actually loves me. He does. I fail and fail and fail, but it's okay b/c He took my failures upon Himself and He punished them there. He paid for my stupid weaknesses that I can't and maybe never will overcome, so that He doesn't judge me for how far short I fall. He doesn't despise me the way I despise myself and some others do too. He doesn't scorn me the way others have. He isn't offended when I say the wrong thing and get mixed up in my words. And He's not offended by my passion and zeal the way a lot of people are. He's not disappointed I can't get my stuff together. He came for the weak ones like me, not the strong ones who don't need Him who are all accomplishing such great things for Him. I need Him. I really do. I am nothing and He is everything. I want Him more than anything, more that success or accomplishments or gifts...though they tempt me that if I had them, then I could finally be worthwhile. He thinks I'm worthwhile right now. He loved us when we were still sinners.

If only I could go be with Him. That is what I really want. I just want Him. And He just wants me too. B/c even though it sure feels true that no one loves me, that I am forgotten by all, that I am unimportant, that I am completely worthless, He doesn't think those things. I am important to Him even if I'm not to anyone else. He thinks I'm special even if no one else does. Even if everyone overlooks me, He doesn't. He sees me. He isn't judging me for not being good enough. He wants me for me even if no one else does. He likes me how I am right now, even if I don't, even if others don't, even though I sin, even right now in my struggle. I am a humble puddle of weakness that is disgusting to most pride. "Don't complain!" they say, "Pretend everything is good and that you're amazing. Don't be real. Hide. Fake it." Jesus welcomes my complaints instead of shutting them down like a Pharisee, like an older brother. He knows what's inside so why not just tell Him instead of lying to Him and others and myself. He still wants ME, not my perfection, not an image, not an attempt. Just me. He is perfect enough for the both of us. I am worth it to Him, not worthless.

Now if I could just get that truth to be my foundation instead of worthless lies. It is my defiant, but very weak, hope.

Light and High Beauty {written but unpublished in 2021}

I’ve been thinking about Light lately. When I was driving around yesterday, the light was filtering through the clouds, falling down upon us all in these radiant beams, like it was kissing each of us, like it was just pouring forth beauty and life and care and love and goodness and all things beautiful.

This is tangible beauty to behold that we don’t even recognize as the amazing blessing that it is. 

Light is a blessing. Only by it can we see. It makes the world grow and flourish. It makes gorgeous sunsets like we saw on top of Black Elk Peak a couple weeks ago. Light is essential for life. 

And the thing is that we can’t make light. We can’t create it. We can’t fashion it or manufacture the brilliance that is our sun. Isn’t it incredible?! What a gift!

Tolkien wrote a lot about light. He is my favorite author and The Lord of the Rings is my favorite book. In the Silmarillion, the prequel to LOTR, the angels make the first light in the form of two trees very similar to the moon and the sun. This book is meant to be like a myth but what’s so interesting to me is even in this myth, how important and prized light is. When Sauron’s boss, Morgoth and his spider Ungoliant, destroy the trees, the world is plunged into darkness...except for the silmarils that a high elf, Feanor, had made. He had captured the living light of the trees and housed it in these jewels. An entire age of that world was fought to return the silmarils to the elves. They were greedy and lustful for the light much like Satan was greedy and lustful for God’s glory and position. He was jealous of God. He wanted to set Himself up in the place of God. 

“You said to yourself: “I will ascend to the heavens; I will set up my throne above the stars of God. I will sit on the mount of the gods’ assembly, in the remotest parts of the North. I will ascend above the highest clouds; I will make myself like the Most High.” ‭Isaiah 14:12-14

Satan was jealous of God’s glory, His light, His beauty. And so he fell.

But each of us do the exact same thing as Satan. We lust for our own glory and to set ourselves up as worshipful. Do we all not desire to be approved of and loved and appreciated and applauded and lifted high above the other common people? I know I do. I desire glory. Only God has glory and we want it.

In the Hobbit that I’ve been reading to my kids, we just read about the Arkenstone that Thorin the dwarf desires above all other treasure that Smaug the dragon stole from them. Thorin said it was, “like a globe with a thousand faces; it shone like silver in the firelight, like water in the sun, like snow under the stars, like rain upon the moon!” And it shone, “of its own inner light,” and “took all light that fell upon it and changed it into ten thousand sparks of white radiance shot w glints of the rainbow.” This description is so similar to God’s glory,

“The appearance of the brilliant light all around was like that of a rainbow in a cloud on a rainy day. This was the appearance of the form of the Lord’s glory. When I saw it, I fell facedown and heard a voice speaking.”

‭‭Ezekiel‬ ‭1:28‬ ‭

Light and high beauty belong to God alone. This beautiful world is not a happy accident. It is beautiful bc He is beautiful. 

In the Lord or the Rings light saves the company of the ring many times. Gandalf arrives with the sun, the hope of men, and tramples his enemies down. Theoden, king of the Norse-like allies of Gondor, comes with the morning sun and tramples the enemies surrounding Minas Tirith, the city of kings where Aragorn is crowned. Sam fights off Ungoliant’s ancestor, Shelob, with light. This same light was in the silmarils. Sam fights the real battle of hope and despair when he finds something on which to rest his worries - on high beauty beyond the evil age. “ Sam saw a white star twinkle for a while. The beauty of it smote his heart, as he looked up out of the forsaken land, and hope returned to him. For like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him that in the end the Shadow was only a small and passing thing: there was light and high beauty for ever beyond its reach. His song in the Tower had been defiance rather than hope; for then he was thinking of himself. Now, for a moment, his own fate, and even his master's, ceased to trouble him. He crawled back into the brambles and laid himself by Frodo's side, and putting away all fear he cast himself into a deep untroubled sleep.”

Light and high beauty exist beyond this world. We are a speck in darkness but there is glory beyond us, God’s glory. His glory awaits those who are His and trust in Him alone. I am thankful and grateful and amazed. 

As Tim Keller said in his sermon about David’s courage, “ If the Bible is true the whole universe is filled w joy and glory. We’re temporarily stuck in this speck of darkness. It’ll be okay no matter what happens. Bc of Jesus, joy is always on the way. My own heroism doesn’t last. The more we look to His heroism [His light, His deeds], the more heroic we can become.”

Week 33 - August 17-23: working out, Evie @ camp, boys start 1 class & sports at Morrison, Noah @ home.

Okay I think the blog is going to go back to more reasonable sizes now that all our adventuring is done and Noah is home. 

On Monday, August 17, we woke up to some fun photos from Noah's first full day home. Even though I was still feeling sad in his absence, it helped to see him snuggling Trouncer...

And randomly running into my brother Nathan, along with Ana and the kids.

He also hung out with his friend Jacob.

Another thing that helped with the sadness was working out at the Morrison gym again. The first day of school at Morrison had been the week before, but we didn't attend b/c of vacationing with Noah. So on Monday Terry agreed to come with me to work out and try to be healthy. 

While we were there, we talked to the high school counselor about Samuel and Ezra's classes - they are both taking one class at the school in addition to their homeschool studies. It was a complicated mess, but everything got worked out in the end. Later that day, the boys' school books were delivered after a bunch of importing confusion.

That afternoon, Terry went to the LKIC staff meeting and I biked back to the school with the boys. Only Ezra was able to take his class (Engineering and Design) since Samuel's wasn't sorted out yet. But we did get him a library account and brought some books home. 

Early that morning, Evie went to her first day of helping at a cram school summer camp. She came back pretty tired and said she was sad that the kids have to sit in classrooms their whole life. Taiwan does the most school out of any nation. They go to normal school during the day and then English cram school in the evenings. During the summer they go to a variety of camps as well, which is generally more classroom time. But as the week went on and she got to know the kids, they were endeared to her and she became very fond of them. I'm sure the feeling was mutual. 

This is her upon arrival home on Monday - Marco Polo videoing a friend while Porky got in some snuggles (he likes the new couch and also probably missed Evie). 

On Tuesday, August 18, Terry and I slept just terrible, so we slept in and put off working out until the afternoon. Afterwards, we took a couple of laps around the park and stopped for this picture next to the koi fish.

Evie after work. The Evie-Porky thing seems to be a feature.

That evening, Terry finally went back to EC Talk at Aroma Church in Taipei. This time he drove himself in our new van...and regretted it. Parking was a supremely irritating pain. I don't know if he'll do it again. 

Wednesday, August 19, began with Evie going to camp and Terry and I going to Morrison to workout. We talked to the admissions lady and she told us everything was finalized for Samuel's class. We biked home in a misty rain, but by lunch it was pouring.

That afternoon we took Samuel back to the school by van since it was raining. Here is his first day of school photo. He is taking AP Computer Science! It is definitely new to us, but he's liked it so far. Hopefully it'll be a good thing for him. He's one of only five students! 

We took a selfie since we were there too. Samuel stayed for swim strength practice. He's decided to join the swim team! I love athletics at Morrison b/c they're super chill. They only have a couple events per season and the practices get done by 5:15pm. They don't eat up your entire life the way they did at home - either RCC or public school was like that, in addition to fancy traveling sports teams.

Next we got groceries in the van (thankful) but Ezra biked to class and back in the mist. 

Samuel was trying to catch up on some online work like reading the syllabus, etc.

Porky snuggled with me that night! 

Ezra placed Porky back-side-down in his bed and he stayed like that for a while. I think Porky likes Ezra b/c he plays with him the most. 

Thursday, August 19, jet lag hit Noah pretty bad and the poor guy only got an hour of sleep. He still managed to put together the cool Lego car he bought here in Taiwan. 

Beautiful orchids at Morrison that morning. 

We did an upper body FASTer Way workout. 

Then Terry met with Pastor Nanson to discuss evangelism options for LKIC. 

Taiwan has funny things. Terry always looks for them to post in his socials story.

That morning Evie's camp visited the sock museum in Linkou and she rode in an Uber with these kids. She's really grown to love them as the week went on.

 After their sock museum tour.

Evie took on more and more responsibility as the week went on. The entire curriculum was based on socks and Evie had the brain wave of having a sock puppet show. 😂

Terry took these pictures b/c he went in to help that day too. Evie volun-told him to lead some games. 

The boys played piano and pool before chilling for their last week of summer. Poor Porky puts up with a lot, but b/c Ezra plays with him, he doesn't seem to mind too much.

Porky snuggles every day after work.

😃😄😂

On Friday, August 20, we woke up to happy pictures of Noah's day, including dinner with my folks. 

Samuel joined Terry and I for leg day at the school.

I didn't even have time to shower before meeting Lillian for coffee. I think there might be more dogs than babies in Linkou but I can't prove it. Taiwan has the lowest birth rate in the world! Maybe that's part of the reason we're here - to show what a family looks like.  Here is the shop's owner's dog (?). I thought he didn't even look real in the photo but he definitely was.

We always take pictures of each other.

But I was unshowered so I was ashamed.

After lunch Terry joined the camp again and watched the presentation they made for the parents - the sock puppet show.

I think Porky is comforting us the week after Noah's departure b/c he sure has got a lot of snuggles...or maybe I just have nothing else to photograph now that our adventuring is done. 

It rained again that afternoon and Terry and Evie saw this guy with a grocery bag on top of his head on their way home from camp. I guess it's almost as good as an umbrella?

That evening, Terry and I finally made it back to bible study at Nanson and Flora's, which was great. I had never seen a baby rocking swing like this! It works via spring like a Johnny Jump Up and just continually rocks the baby gently up and down.

Saturday, August 22, was very chill. Maybe not for Samuel b/c he had swim practice 7-9am! He and Terry got up at 5:30am and a friend took him and some other homeschool students to the pool. Terry went back to sleep. We had pancakes when Samuel got home and then watched Wingfeathers with Noah. So sad that only last week he was here in person to watch! 

Noah called us late b/c he was having such a good time with his roommates. His good friend Jared moved in and Jonah returned from his internship. 

Samuel was so tired after swim practice! 

I took no other pictures that day, but we had pizza and watched the first Hunger Games movie since the boys had never seen it before and it was Evie's choice as a reward for successfully completing camp. 

For Sunday, August 23, we had church. Evie and Samuel went out afterwards for lunch w/ her friends and then had church youth group...whom only homeschoolers go too. Terry and I shopped and then hung out with Ezra. 

Noah had gone to his childhood friend Jack's wedding reception. 

Terry took Noah's place in duck game. I wrote the blog and Samuel did Computer Science homework. 

My friend Camilla sent me a photo of Noah at church on Sunday! Of course that was our Monday. 

Week 32: August 10-16: NOAH week 2! Taipei zoo, Fulong beach, baseball game, goodbye.

On Monday August 10th, we continued Week Two of Noah's visit and we went to the Taipei Zoo. Google Maps tried to lose us on the drive there but we ultimately made it. And for just over $3 a person, it was totally worth it. First up was flamingos. Like for real, how do they stand on those legs?

Then we met some alpacas who I felt bad for in the heat. This one was parked in front of the mist-maker.

Next were a family favorite - the meerkats. They were so funny how they stood on their hind legs, rolled around, and raced along the glass barrier to find a way out. Here Terry was showing them the zoo map so they could escape. 

Before going further, we decided to have lunch right at the beginning since there was a McDonald's. I had salad to try to avoid a belly ache and this fun bird was hoping for a handout. There were lots of pigeons too.

After a trip through the glorious air conditioned gift shop, Evie insisted on a photo with the poop emoji. 

We found a mountain lion! As one of our favorite video says, "Wow. Wow." 

The penguin's habitat was under construction but we did see a sliver of the Taiwan black bear. 

This gorilla (who was also MIA) reminded me of our 2011 trip to the Omaha Zoo...

2011 with little adorable kids! 😭

We visited with this chill hippo

I just thought the sky and trees (and mountains that you can't see) were cool so mandated a family selfie - there were groans.

Fun hippo sculptures

And right after we left the hippos we saw a disturbance in the trees to our right. To our utter shock, it was a wild monkey! At first we thought it was an escaped monkey but that seemed unlikely. Terry thought I was ridiculous how close I got to take this picture since I've always said monkeys scare me. 

Pandas! Noah was particularly happy to get a good picture of a panda after his first attempt failed in Japan for his 2025 YWAM mission trip. 

We left the zoo around 4:30 and bravely drove further into Taipei to take Noah to the Lego store. 

We'd previously visited June 5th and Noah couldn't wait to join us. What he didn't know is that we spent all those hours there for the purpose of making him his own personal Noah mini-fig! 

Noah was our first attempt and we loved it so much that we made ones for all of us! Now we have a Six Pack of Bears in Lego!

Next we visited the Harry Potter store. It was super cool. 

Finally we had dinner in the basement food court - ramen for most of us. 

Tuesday August 11th, was a chill day. We decided that after every full day of adventuring we needed a day off at home to rest. We were especially tired after walking 13,000 steps the day before. 

But we did go out to the big Carrefour...but we drove there! We'd never done that before. I was grateful b/c I needed to buy a lot of food to feed us all. 

At home the kids took turns creating their own levels on Duck Game. 

And the boys started the Risk game Noah brought for us. 

That evening we had friends over for dinner, dessert, and games. Actually Mveli offered to make dinner so he brought simply delicious lasagna over. 

The kids who weren't playing the adult game were here.

Lillian taught us her favorite game, Acquire, and it was a big hit. Though I am still confused on how to play it since I only watched. 

Anna and Evie unintentionally wore matching outfits! 

We invited Lillian over purposely to be able to finish visiting with Noah about the story he's been writing for the last year...

...he had begun telling her about it last summer while they were showing us apartments and he just loved talking to her. He was eager to continue the conversation. 

Wednesday, August 12th, was another adventure day. But first, breakfast. I had made a giant homemade pop tart. It was delicious. 

We watched The Price is Right per family tradition. 

Terry went out to Subway and grabbed some lunch while I prepped dinner for that evening, and then we loaded up in the van and drove to the beach! 

We chose our beach carefully after last month's interesting beach outing. We came specifically to Fulong Beach b/c of the epic sand castles, tourism, and presumably, a clean beach. The sand castles were there...but closed. We're guessing they were damaged due to the weekend's typhoon. 

So we walked to the right to where people were surfing and playing. 

We had to walk through a river to get there but it was too deep right here. Our new American acquaintance, Brian, tried to cross and got yelled at. 

Big kid pictures! 

The water was warm but not as crazy warm as the last beach. 

Everyone got to work diving into the waves. 

We tried to body surf but it never worked very well. It was still fun. And I got some funny shots. 

Family selfie before I put my phone away. 

There was a temple overlooking the bay. It seems like there are temples on every block in Taiwan. 

Beautiful walk back to our little and rapidly disappearing camp. 

Here's the boys' wall protecting our stuff.

For about three hours, the boys made a sandcastle that the tide continually destroyed; Evie took a nap; Noah told me his story; and we played some more in the waves before deciding to leave. 

When we came back to the bridge we were "allowed" to go see the sand castles. 

The right side of this one was missing though you can't see it. 

Pretty cool!

They were working beyond this point (the guy in the lower right is polishing up some details).

But Evie was told off so we had to leave. 

I love the trees here.

We drove halfway home along the coast and were gobsmacked at the island. The mountains are so sheer and come right down to the water. It's incredible. Evie said exactly what I was thinking, "Is this even real?" 

Thursday, August 13th, was another down day. We did very little this day. The boys played Pokemon card games. 

Noah received the name "chop" he had bought the week before in Juifen. 

And the boys finished their Risk game. Ezra won. 

Friday, August 14th, was our final full day with Noah. I went to bed the previous night sad that his visit was almost over, and I woke up sad. Terry cheered me up and we got on with our day. Terry made waffles. 

Then we watched a Wingfeather episode with Noah. Usually we do this with Noah on FaceTime in South Dakota on our Saturday mornings and his Friday nights. It was surreal to watch in the same room as him. 

We left the apartment a little later, after lunch, since we had evening plans to watch a baseball game in Taipei. We biked to A9 to take the train into town. 

Standing room only but at least it's air conditioned. 

After switching trains, it was raining by the time we arrived. 

We shopped a little first and then came back to the best shaved ice place. 

We visited this shop last year with Albert, Mei, and others and I had been dying to go again. 

It's life-changing. Usually shaved ice is a glorified snow-cone, but not this stuff. It's mango through and through and amazing. 

From there we took another train to the Taipei Dome to watch the Dragons play the Monkeys. We even bought hotdogs...which weren't great. 

They gave everyone free t-shirts and flags at the entrance. 

Taiwan baseball was a very different experience than in the States. They had "Dragon Beauties," which were hyped up cheerleaders. They led us in songs, dances, and cheers. And everyone participated, to the point that we felt kind of left out that we didn't know the words everyone else did. It was a huge deal. So loud. The community was really cool. Even the opposing team did their own cheers and dances. 

The game was pretty slow but the Dragons won 2-1 in the final inning. Very exciting with everyone cheering and screaming. 

Then we left and took three trains home. 

I thought it looked cool, all of our feet together. 

We biked home at like 11pm. 

Once home, I immediately felt sad again. It's been so nice being a full family again. We always missed Noah but being together made us really remember how incomplete our family feels without him there. 

Saturday, August 15th, was Noah's departure day. We were able to chill that morning while packing and preparing. 

We got the souvenirs ready and the boys opened some Pokemon cards... 

...and looked at cards together.

One more family selfie before we left, this time with Porky.

Google maps failed us again but we found our way to the airport in our van. 

Getting out of the van for the last time. 

We got him all checked in. He brought three bins on his way here but left with only one. 

And all too soon we had to take our final family photo and say goodbye. 

And there he goes...😩😫😭 That really sucked.

While Noah was going through security we went down two floors to the Lost and Found to search for Evie's lost ARC. When we had come back from Macau in March on Evie's birthday, her Alien Resident Card had fallen out of her pocket. She was very upset about it. However, it wasn't a big deal since her ARC expired that day. It was just a bummer to lose something that would be fun to look back on as a keepsake. But surprise, someone turned it in and they had kept it all this time! Yay! 

From there Evie and I boarded a bus to Taipei for a mother-daughter adventure. Evie was planning on seeing The Odyssey with friends but I came along to stave off depression and also b/c I really wanted to see it, and hang out with Evie. Terry meanwhile drove the boys home. They went and bought fried chicken and had their hair cut while it cooked. 

It was our third trip into Taipei that week and it was also raining again. We got to visit this mall with the ferris wheel we had seen from the highway earlier that week. 

We had burgers at a TGI Fridays! American comfort food is amazing when we can get it. 

The girls wandered around a little before the show. 

And then the show began at 3:30. It was an IMAX showing and since I wasn't quick enough to give my permission, we had to sit separate from the rest of the group...in the very front row. The front row is never a good experience, and even less so in an IMAX theater when the screen towers like 30 feet above you. We had to crane our necks back for almost three hours. But despite the discomfort, it was still a pretty epic movie that we were glad to have seen. We took a train and a bus back to Linkou and went to bed almost immediately. 

The boys were finishing up putting together some of the Lego sets Noah had brought for them. 

Sunday, August 16th, dawned with almost no texts from Noah! I was bummed. All of his flights were delayed or late. Perhaps he had been too stressed out to send any pictures. He had been upgraded for his long flight, which was amazing, and I was excited to hear about it. So I called him. He was waiting in Denver and getting into line at Chick-Fil-A. His long flight went great but he missed out on the lounge. He was tired but rallying. Then we went to church.

...and he boarded his final flight to Rapid. 

Evie and the boys went out for dumplings with friends for lunch. 

Meanwhile Noah arrived in Rapid to my parents who picked him up at 11:15pm! 

Noah arrived home at midnight and was sad to be in a big, lonely, quiet house. He said he missed our "ruckus." At least he has Trouncer, but we sure miss him too. 

To cheer us up, I made pizza yet again. Because why not eat your feelings? Drown them in pizza. 

While I was writing the blog Terry went out to do some errands and came back with Noah's suggestion to make Porky like us more - cat treats. 

And it worked. Porky was very interested in staying near me while I wrote the blog. 

We watched School of Rock and Evie did the dishes. That's when I discovered Noah had left his water glass on top of the fridge. I let Evie leave it there instead of washing it. We'll see how long til we need to actually wash it.