life verse?

Excuse me as I make this post all about me - my journal, my thoughts.
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Lately I'm in this big battle for my faith. I'm learning all this great stuff and it comes w/a fight. It seems there's always something I'm struggling with, struggling through. There's always something someone says or something I read or something I see that gets me. Even this morning there's something and that's why I'm here.

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" But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish in order that I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. " Philippians 3: 7-9

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I was just reading about these verses in this book that I've almost devoured in a few days, "Tired of Trying to Measure Up" by Jeff VanVonderen. These verses have been at the forefront of my mind for a while and the chapter I read was more or less a lot about them. As I was making Noah and Evie's lunch, I thought about how Paul had it all before he was a Christian. He was such a good man. I mean, he lists all that he had going for him to put confidence in:

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"If anyone else thinks he has reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more: circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for legalistic righteousness, faultless (Phil 3: 4-6)."

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From my book, "God confronted Paul with his need for Jesus. I think the more good works we have going, the harder it is to know, or to remember, that our only hope is God. It's not just that 'things go better with Jesus.' Jesus said, 'Apart from Me you can do nothing.' (John 15:5) "

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I completely agree w/Jeff here. My daily life testifies for me. I'm always upset w/the daily reminders that I'm not as good as so-and-so, that I'm not a better wife or mother, that I'm not as creative, that I'm not as busy. The list really does go on and on. So when I say that there are things that I struggle w/daily, I mean it. These short-comings distract me. They make me think that if I can get them, I will finally be satisfied.

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But the thing is, I think I will praise God for not allowing me to succeed in all the ways I wish to. I thank Him that I am a failure. He never lets me succeed. I'm always doing a bang up job at whatever, or at least that's what I hear in my mind. And God uses these condemning thoughts to point me to Him. Thank God for my failure b/c it's bringing me to Him. He knew I meant it when I prayed (over and over and over and over) to know Him better. He's just not fast enough for me =). But he knows what He's doing, in His time, not mine.

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So I thank you Lord that I am not who I want to be, contrary to what most of the church and even Switchfoot would have been strive for. B/c if I was all that I desired, I would have no need for You. I would have self-righteousness and a fleeting, empty sense of satisfaction and fulfillment. Thank you that I can't glory and put confidence in my flesh (my marriage and how we should be more "made for each other", how good my kids are, how good other people think I am, how busy I am, how right my doctrine is, how nice my house is, how "right" I am in every single area of my life - like I said, I fail at all these things) b/c it's dung, refuse, crap and s___. I say the word in my head b/c it's true. Told you my flesh isn't perfect. I get annoyed w/my husband and my kids too. But God still loves me as I'm learning.

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My own sense of satisfaction and fulfillment and approval and acceptance and love must come from Christ and Him alone. I can't do this good looking flesh stuff. I just can't keep up. And thank God for that.

****In our Christian circles we think that we have bad testimony's because we were never really "that bad." But Paul was as close to perfect as you can get. I mean, he was the man. Before he was a Christian and especially afterwards, he did everything "right." But God showed up and showed Paul that even his religious activities didn't matter. It didn't matter how good he was. It didn't matter how "right" he was, how he did everything "right." It doesn't matter for me either. I doesn't matter how good or how bad I am. All that matters is Jesus.