I deleted social media. Months and months ago. Perhaps others don't judge me as harshly as I judge myself, but I cannot seem to keep myself from envy, jealousy, coveting. Everyone is so busy. Everyone is so accomplished. So many things to show for themselves, so much going on. So many gifts that God gave them, they're all so special. Name a person and I could name why they're special. My life isn't like that. My gifts aren't like that. I'm not busy or accomplished. I don't have anything to show for myself and I don't have a lot going on. I can't keep up with anyone in America or even here in Taiwan. I fall short in every comparison. My life is very small and insignificant. Worthlessness looms large.
Although I try to fight it I start to believe that if I could be like them, then I would be happy. People would like me if I was accomplished, if I had things to show for myself, if I had their gifts. What even are my gifts? I can't see them.
Ever since I was little I've struggled with comparison. I remember being in first grade looking in jealousy at my friend Krissy's freckle-free face. "If only I had pretty smooth skin like her..." then I'd be pretty, okay, acceptable, commendable, worthwhile. Then people would like me. "If only I was extroverted...If only I could communicate better...If only I had their gifts..." I've always been insecure, just always. Is everyone else so pleased with themselves as it appears?
But I want to give it up. I want to stop trying to measure up. I want to quit wishing I was someone else so I could be acceptable. But I've tried before. Many, many times. I keep falling for the same dumb lies. I am hopelessly broken, an eternal failure. I can't overcome.
But He is the overcomer, not me. I am the failure, He is the victor. I am a mess, but He loves me anyway. He loves me for who I am right now, not who I hope I will be at some distant point in the future when I overcome all of my weaknesses. He loves me for me right now, not who I will be in eternity when I don't have weaknesses anymore any everyone loves me. And He doesn't just love me b/c He is love and He can't help it. No, He loves me for ME. He actually loves me. He does. I fail and fail and fail, but it's okay b/c He took my failures upon Himself and He punished them there. He paid for my stupid weaknesses that I can't and maybe never will overcome, so that He doesn't judge me for how far short I fall. He doesn't despise me the way I despise myself and some others do too. He doesn't scorn me the way others have. He isn't offended when I say the wrong thing and get mixed up in my words. And He's not offended by my passion and zeal the way a lot of people are. He's not disappointed I can't get my stuff together. He came for the weak ones like me, not the strong ones who don't need Him who are all accomplishing such great things for Him. I need Him. I really do. I am nothing and He is everything. I want Him more than anything, more that success or accomplishments or gifts...though they tempt me that if I had them, then I could finally be worthwhile. He thinks I'm worthwhile right now. He loved us when we were still sinners.
If only I could go be with Him. That is what I really want. I just want Him. And He just wants me too. B/c even though it sure feels true that no one loves me, that I am forgotten by all, that I am unimportant, that I am completely worthless, He doesn't think those things. I am important to Him even if I'm not to anyone else. He thinks I'm special even if no one else does. Even if everyone overlooks me, He doesn't. He sees me. He isn't judging me for not being good enough. He wants me for me even if no one else does. He likes me how I am right now, even if I don't, even if others don't, even though I sin, even right now in my struggle. I am a humble puddle of weakness that is disgusting to most pride. "Don't complain!" they say, "Pretend everything is good and that you're amazing. Don't be real. Hide. Fake it." Jesus welcomes my complaints instead of shutting them down like a Pharisee, like an older brother. He knows what's inside so why not just tell Him instead of lying to Him and others and myself. He still wants ME, not my perfection, not an image, not an attempt. Just me. He is perfect enough for the both of us. I am worth it to Him, not worthless.
Now if I could just get that truth to be my foundation instead of worthless lies. It is my defiant, but very weak, hope.
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