compassion and judgment

I unexpectedly learned something important today about compassion (at least I hope I did). When the same message comes up three times in one day, I realize I need to pay attention.

While I was eating breakfast before arriving to MOPS late, I read an article from Christianity Today titled A Pro Life Plea. I read it and bustled my three kids out the door and the message didn't sink in until I heard the same thing twice more later.

So I went on with my day. Once at MOPS while talking with two very wise women, Shelli and Kristin. It seems every time I talk to Kristin the Spirit makes something she says really stick out. It was like that today. I can't remember the whole conversation but she mentioned how if life had gone her way, she would have been a very prideful, self-righteous person. But as it turned out, she is able to have much more compassion for people who have made mistakes in their lives.

I heard the message of compassion when Kristin said it. But did I listen? No. I went in to discussion group and was too free with my opinion (even if it was mostly in my own mind). I can be so self-righteous and I really do detest it. I long to have more compassion.

So even though I learned from Kristin to be compassionate, I put myself above another women (or more!). When I came home I read a blog post about this very message. I seriously love her blog.

She says, "Sadly, this form of mother-on-mother attack [berating mothers for not breastfeeding] isn’t an isolated occurrence. I have seen this happen time and time again, both on the internet with venomous persistence and in real life with sugary coated condescension. Whether it’s about breastfeeding or schooling choices or vaccinations or medicated birthing or any other one of the myriad of decisions that we have to make as mothers, our culture has bred an environment of judgment and derision."

Ouch. How right is she? How often to I set myself above others for my "superior" choices and preferences? And I'm not talking about life and death, black and white, sin and righteousness choices like murder. I'm talking about stuff like child-rearing which looks different for different families - different house rules.

She went on to say, "My husband has learned well what I want from him when discussing a problem or issue. “I don’t need you to problem solve right now. I just need you to listen.” This should apply to mother-to-mother communication as well. Sure, sometimes we actually want advice. But what we all need more of is to feel true camaraderie and support from other mothers, the only other people who can really understand the myriad of choices that we’re forced to make every day."

Ouch. I was hit again. I offer my "advice" when it's most likely not wanted or needed and might actually do more harm than good!

After I finished the article I read some of the comments and was particularly struck by this one: "I heard Chuck Colson give a great sermon on judging that I have tried to apply recently. In order for a judge to be good at their job they need to be presented with all the facts otherwise they are just ruling based on their own preferences. Because we cannot possibly know anothers thoughts, reasonings, etc… all the time, God is the only one capable of passing a fair judgment on others."

I don't have all the facts so I need to listen more than I talk.

So then I couldn't get the message out of my mind and apologized to the woman I offered unsolicited advice to (she said it was okay) and realized that I had read about this message earlier in the day in the Christianity Today article:

"I understand that fear [of unplanned pregnancy]. And I think local church culture bears at least some responsibility. We've so spiritualized the fight for life, we may be losing lives because of it. We know God is the maker of every human being. We know that premarital and extramarital sex is contrary to God's Word. Our beliefs on this front are passionate and unbending, and they should be. But I fear that our conviction and certainty can lead to lack of compassion when women make mistakes.

"I attended a church a few years ago whose (male) leaders would not support a church-sponsored baby shower for a pregnant teen unless she repented of her sin - publicly. If there is no room for error, no message of grace, women in crisis will continue to drive out of church all the way to abortion clinics, their Bibles on the front seat, scared toward death."

Enough said, except for these last two comments that I thought were really good as well.

debi Blaising January 16, 2012 at 9:41 am

Thanks for getting on my soapbox with me, Rachel! This is the “message” I try to convey to young mothers. Basically, there is no easy way to raise/school/feed your children. There is a big difference in using biblical principles for parenting and using self righteous, “we’ve chosen the higher path” principles. If you feel the Lord has led you to breastfeed, have a natural birth, and home school your children, follow Him. But don’t look down on your friend who had a c-section, bottle feed her baby, and sent her to preschool. I can’t imagine Jesus blasting someone for not breastfeeding. I am the home school mom of four children (one with significant special needs), who had four epidurals, breast fed all four, sent them to preschool and vaccinated them. I think James 2 is a great place to go in regard to this issue. We are basically putting moms in “classes” and showing partiality. As Christians, we should excel in this area, and I fear we are failing. Galatians 5:13 For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. 14 For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” 15 But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another. Thanks again, Rachel, for bringing a delicate subject to light.

McKt January 16, 2012 at 6:14 pm

It is a distraction and a work of the flesh to make us so passionate about worldly things that in light of eternity do not matter. Ultimately, I care if my kids know Jesus. I care if your kids know Jesus, and how they are birthed, fed, educated, and sleep are preferences and an easy way to get bogged down in stuff that isn’t eternal. Thanks for having the clarity of thought to put this together. It is a really great piece.